Two studies from Princeton and the University of Pennsylvania show that there has been a shift in happiness since the 1970s, when women claimed to be happier than men. One of the studies explains that since the 1960s, men have cut back on unpleasant activities and relax more. On the other hand, women are taking on more tasks than they did four decades ago. Many have replaced housework with working outside the home, yet are still responsible for the house work. This means that a woman’s “to do” list has increased with less time to do everything. As a result, a woman feels stressed, under-accomplished and fatigued! How can anyone be happy with all that on her plate?

The obvious question: Why can’t women relax more, the way men do? The surprising answer is that they are afraid! When you have been in prison for most of your life where everything has been defined and structured, you are afraid of freedom, making choices and going with the flow to let things unfold. Relaxation, fun and quiet can be downright unnerving because there would be no one to validate your performance. Also, you are accustomed to suppressing feelings of unworthiness and so, you actually work hard to make those compliments keep flowing your way, “See what I can do!”

What men have realized is that their health has been compromised by stress especially the cardio-vascular and digestive systems and it is just not worth it! At the end of the day they have heard their own fathers express regret that they missed out on family time; they were not present to life while it was happening and if they had it to do all over again, they would have worked less and enjoyed more! As a result, their sons have listened and cut back responsibilities to ease up on themselves, most importantly, to live in the present.

We women rarely live in the present. We stew about the past getting stuck in negative thoughts or a resentment loop. We worry about the future, what is next on the to-do list. For example, we might physically attend the school play, yet speak on our cell phones to “our people.”

It’s time for women to love themselves. I don’t mean standing in front of a mirror and trying to convince yourself about how beautiful you are. True self-love means valuing yourself by your own standards, not someone else’s or when no one else understands you.  It’s time to shape your own world or the world will shape you according to its own image and this will become your barometer for purpose as opposed to your own passion. Ask yourself: Whom do you fit with? And do you need to fit at all?

Let’s learn from men how to be happier because we have forgotten how:
•    Recognize that your addiction to busyness is a survival mechanism. You are not thriving, but living in stress-mode – fight or flight hormonal rush. Start putting your feet up on the coffee table and watching TV. Ease up on your standards. Everything is perfectly imperfect, the way you are.
•    Solve your problems instead of stewing about them. Approach them from different angles to see what works. Don’t get absorbed by them. They are a small part of your big picture. Like a man, stress should not keep you from making love and experiencing intimacy.
•    Dilute the drama. Objectify and distance yourself from the upset or conflict to reduce its impact. Sometimes you will find it humorous from this perspective. Remove the intensifiers from your verbiage like “I’m crazy busy.”
•    Don’t agree to everything. Express your feelings honestly and briefly. Learn to say, “Later, honey.”
•    Liberate yourself from old beliefs and too many duties. If life gives you lemons, feel free to throw them away instead of making lemonade.

About Debbie Mandel

Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life , a stress management specialist and speaker. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York, produces a wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media.

To learn more visit: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com

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Growing up I always thought I would be like my own mother and be a working mother. Somehow being a stay-at-home mom didn’t seem like an option for me as a child. I thought I would do something much too important with my career to simply walk away from it when I became a mother.

And then real life happened.

I struggled with depression in my college years and now as I approach my 32nd birthday I still have not received my degree. I began working at an insurance company that valued it’s employees slightly more than pond scum. I loved the work I was doing, it was challenging, and I adored my immediate co-workers but the overall atmosphere of this corporate job was horrible. So when I was 22 I went to work for my parents business. They owned an electrical construction company and I began handling all the miscellaneous office work. Over the years I’ve assumed more responsibilities, especially when my mom was no longer able to work, but what I do is still far from the challenging, world altering work I thought I would one day do.

Then in 2002, I became a mother for the first time. When my son was 6 weeks old, I returned to work despite my desire to be with my baby. My husband did not make enough for us to survive on his income alone. Then after our second son was born, just 13 months later, two things had changed; my husband had found a better job AND my company was not doing well, so I was laid off when my second child was about 5 months old. I stayed home for about 6 wonderful months. My husband worked a ton of hours and we rarely saw him. I took care of the house and my then 6 month old and 18 month old primarily by myself. But I loved it, it was everything I’d been dreaming about since my oldest childs birth.

Then as the winter approached I was called back to work.

Knowing that my husband would be laid off soon I couldn’t say no. So I returned to work. My husband did go back to work that next spring but not for very long before losing his job. He has since taken a few different jobs for short periods of time but none of them have ever paid enough to us to cover the costs of a sitter or been steady enough for me to stay home. So while I would still love to be able to be home with my kids, its simply not an option for our family. I regularly hear comments like “at least they’re home with their dad and not some stranger” or “what a blessing that your husband is home with them.” In attempts not to be completely disrespectful to my husband I TRY to bite my tongue. But there are MANY days that I’d rather they be with someone else. Yes, they’re home with my husband, so, for the most part, they are consistently living by the rules that we have set out. But it also means they’re HOME, making a mess all day long and I can’t be there to be keeping on top of it. So most days I come home the house looks worse then when I left it. Then I have to make dinner, do baths, and stories etc. Then there’s still laundry, cleaning and shopping to do.

So some days I really wish they were just somewhere else for the 8 hours a day I’m gone to be making a mess elsewhere so that I could maybe, someday get a little ahead of the mess. But then I also know that when they were going somewhere else, it meant I had to leave the house earlier, get everyone up earlier which meant an earlier bedtime. And then I got home later. So the nights seemed to be nothing but dinner and bedtime. So having them safely at home waiting for me is a blessing in some ways. I love the welcome I get each day when I come hom. I’d still rather be the one to be home. But for us, for now, this is what works!

- Lisa Noel

Visit Lisa on her blog – Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy and check out her photography web site – Lisa Noel Photography

Posted by Nicole Ibarrondo, former editor here at Mom Fuse

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